I Need a Raccoon

(There’s a song in my head…”I want a raccoon-potamus for Christmas. Only a raccoon-potamus will do!”  I know you’re singing, it’s okay.  I won’t judge.

I want a raccoon for Christmas. No….let me rephrase: I NEED a raccoon for Christmas.  I firmly believe that if this wish is granted, it might actually replace my anti-anxiety medication because I will be so deliriously happy. How could anyone refuse this request with that kind of promise?

First, let me be clear. I do not want a real, alive kind of raccoon…or at least I don’t think I want one.  Oh no…maybe I do want a raccoon pet!!!  Uh oh…. What do you know about taming raccoons?  Anybody an expert on this? I have lots of talented friends, so I will not be surprised if one of you comments telling me you’d like the job. Actually, nevermind….my husband will just remind me of the “2 dog limit” that has expanded into the 5 dog – 2 cat – and one miniature frog –  limit and then I’ll feel bad for asking. No live raccoons I guess.

Back to non-living raccoons.  I have been obsessed with having a taxidermed raccoon (just like the one featured on the cover of “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson, who, by the way, is a blogging genius) for some time now. I know we are not supposed to covet…but I am telling you, I covet Jenny’s taxidermed raccoon, Rory, on a level that is likely not healthy.  I long to have midnight rodeos just like Jenny had with her raccoon and her cats. My raccoon, however,  will ride tiny dogs instead of ungrateful cats (and really…are there any other kind?).  My dogs are all rescue dogs who crave attention of any type, so I am already predicting a win when I strap my little raccoon to their backs.  They will likely be lined up waiting to be the next rodeo star. Then Jenny Lawson will hear about my successful raccoon rodeo and want to be my friend. Gosh…I keep getting really off track. Sorry about that. (Here is a picture of my eager pups, ready to serve:)

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Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten way ahead of myself.  I don’t even own my raccoon yet.

Anyway, I felt pretty certain that asking for a taxidermed raccoon would not be a big deal, but because I am rather thoughtful, I thought I better check prices.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This little gem is nearly a THOUSAND dollars! Granted, he is a rare find…a realistic animal paddling a canoe. Weird. At first I thought about how stupid this is, but honestly, he’s got thumbs so it’s absolutely possible. How cool would it be to see a raccoon paddling across a pond in a little canoe. STILL… a thousand dollars – WOWZA!

raccoon_taxidermy_mount_for_sale_-_17840_-_the_taxidermy_store In my research, I quickly learned that you can purchase just the head and shoulders of almost any animal, including raccoons.  These are, not surprisingly, much cheaper. The torsos, according to my calculations, must be worth around 800 dollars. But what kind of sicko wants a raccoon head on a painted flower board? Was this just a practice piece? Is this how taxidermists start out? Where is the rest of it?  Is it on the other side?  Please say it’s on the other side!  And, if not, what does one do with a raccoon torso?  Can you just plop it in the recycling? Plus…how do you play with it?  Do you hold the board and kind of “dance it around”?  Do you put it on a wall in an unsuspecting place (like the corner of a bathroom under a toilet) so guests think he’s breaking through the wall?  I don’t know, but it creeps me out. No bueno.

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Children’s stuffed raccoons are not what I’m after either.  They’re too cartoonish…not realistic at all.  I want a real (yet dead) raccoon to play with. (Yep, I know I just ended in a preposition…my blog, my rules, people!) And yes, I️ intend to play with it! This one doesn’t even look realistic at all.  Plus he is squatting.  Squatting, folks!  Not ideal.

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Here’s where we’re at:

  • I’m pretty sure the “pet limit” will prevent me from adopting a wild animal.
  • I know there is no way I will get a real (dead) raccoon because they are cost-prohibitive.
  • I do not want the head of a raccoon on a board. I would rather not have one at all.
  • I do not want a children’s stuffed raccoon toy.

It would seem all is lost….but ALAS!  Look what I found!!

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hat's what I'm talking about!!!  This fabulous creature is not, and never has been, alive.  It is life-size…and are you ready for the best part????  You better sit down.  This one is POSABLE!!  I can move it around!!  If this little gem ends up under the Christmas tree, there will be great rejoicing in the Meister home and great tiny-dog-raccoon rodeos ensuing.

Raccoon rodeo tix on sale soon! Watch this blog for your chance to win.

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