I love to travel. Take me to Ault, Colorado and I’m happy to go. But can we just talk about our airport for a minute? There’s some unsettling stuff going on in there. Do you think that the “airport decorators” involved figured that we’d all be too busy trying to catch a flight or run to the baggage claim to notice? Well, they were wrong because I notice it every single time I’m there. Then I think to myself, “That is a seriously odd message to send to travelers.” However, it’s a thought that just kind of floats around in my brain until I smell Cinnabon and then I’m on to other things…as my brain cannot ignore the prospect of sugary deliciousness. But not this time, DIA!! I took notes on my phone about your creepiness! But, since I’m a fixer, I won’t just complain. I’ve got some solutions to offer to make travel through our airport more friendly and less of a walk through Hell. Seriously, though, I think we might be ignoring some real warning signs as we move along like stupid sheep to the slaughter. Demon horses, death murals, and suitcase gargoyles might be serving as warnings that we’ve all been missing! Or perhaps there’s someone in charge who has a very dark sense of humor. Either way, here are my thoughts and recommendations about three different oddities at Denver International Airport.
1. The Demon Horse
I know, Bluecifer is an easy target but, come on, we can’t just ignore the obvious. You’re getting a two-for-one on this one because I have two possible suggestions for improvement. First, I would like to suggest that this horse face the other way so that the red eyes are visible as people LEAVE the airport. Many people have a fear of flying and seeing this monster certainly does not offer reassurance as one approaches the terminals (another word that is not reassuring when flying. but I digress). Coloradoans are always saying how we don’t want more people moving to our state, so why not greet visitors and potential transplants with this red-eyed equine giant? Let Big Blue serve as a warning to not overstay one’s welcome in our fine state or a possibly a little reminder to behave well while they’re here, lest they be eaten by a giant, angry blue devil-horse. Or we could go a completely different direction and change the lightbulbs in those eyes into disco balls, and glue a big sparkly horn on Blue’s head. Welcome to Colorado! Land of magic and possibility! Now that would really speak to people! Warning: Unicorns are a bit of a theme for me as I truly believe that most situations can be improved by their presence. (I know they’re imaginary…just be nice and play along, okay?)
2. The Mural of Death
I’ve tried to think of a way to “repurpose” this and I’m at a loss. What says, “Bon Voyage” better than a gas-masked Nazi-alien stabbing the dove of peace with a ginormous sabre? Let’s also throw in a few dead bodies for good measure. Every time I pass this I am puzzled. Perhaps I’m just not astute enough to comprehend the depth and meaning. (Actually there’s no “perhaps” about this…I DON’T GET IT). There are always people standing by this mural and staring and it, pointing details out to their companions. What are they saying to each other? “I love the use of color on the fleeing refugees.” Or maybe, “Look how the artist used color to really show rot and decay.” Certainly they are not saying how it makes them excited to fly or to visit our state. My suggestion here is that we go the way of the demon horse and use this as a bold message telling visitors not to get too comfortable here or we rethink it and paint giant unicorns. (Again, my answer to most things is “unicorns”… you just can’t go wrong with unicorns.) Plus, they fly and that relates more to air travel than stabby aliens.)
3. The Suitcase Gargoyle
This was a a new discovery for me last night. “Welcome home, friends, please be careful with your bags as items may have shifted during flight, and oh yeah…there may be a demon in your luggage!” You can’t pack a decent sized bottle of shampoo, but feel free to bring your pet gargoyle along for the ride. Seriously…who thought this was a good idea? This thing is horrifying. Again…I’m going to suggest a unicorn as a plausible alternative. How fun would it be to open your luggage and find a happy unicorn who neighs and farts glitter? Now that is something that really says, “Welcome home!”
PS-This guy is subtle and you have to look for him. I’m not going to tell you where he is so that you can have your very own creepy little scavenger hunt. (You’re welcomeI)
I know there are lots of articles saying that there is some sort of conspiracy theory related to DIA. I don’t really have any interest in reading about all of those things as i don’t need further reasons to feel creeped out. I just think that this world could use more happiness and levity …and unicorns…of course.